Someone just sent me this link, from a teenage girl's blog that was prompted by reading my book. Her insights into her life and societal pressures are profound, and it's easy to forget that you're even reading a girl's blog--until, that is, you get to the part about her boyfriend:
You're probably wondering about my boyfriend's opinions. Well, as far as sex goes, he thinks it's all for fun. He rarely tells me he loves me. As a matter of fact, he told me that since we are only in highschool, our relationship isn't "serious". He's asked me to give him a blowjob before. He didn't push it when I said no, but he hasn't made plans to hang out with me since (and this was back in June!). He doesn't eat lunch with me, he doesn't call me on the phone. He only sees me when he feels like it. When we touch each other, he refers to it as "playing". I'm pretty sure he expects me to eventually sleep with him. On the topic of alcohol, he likes hearing about when I drink. He has told me several times that hearing about me drinking "turns [him] on". He wouldn't be surprised if I did drugs, but I don't think he cares if I do them one way or another. He doesn't care how I dress, but he doesn't like it when I braid my hair in several braids. That's about it with him.
Needless to say, I have a feeling that this young woman is going to be moving on very soon.
One of the great parts of writing my book was having the opportunity to see how much wiser our girls are, when compared to the ideologues who are trying to "reprogram" them. It continues to inspire me.
On the other hand, I do wonder why journalists get so angered by my ideas, to such a degree that they find it necessary to attack me or to invent preposterous things I never said. (Recently, one writer said that I contend immodest girls cause other girls to commit suicide, I kid you not.) If they disagree with me, why can't they simply say where they disgree, and provide evidence supporting their position? Why is it necessary to lie and invent such a parody of my views?
Well, reading this young woman's blog finally gave me the answer. I think journalists are afraid; they fear that if they report what my book is actually about, many young women would agree with me. Then society might really have to change.
I hope you're right, Wendy. I think both sexes have the tendency to mess with the truly interested party to get what they want out of them.
If you really want to empower someone, they need to learn how to say no and mean it.
Posted by: MInTheGap | August 31, 2007 at 10:54 AM
On the other hand, I do wonder why journalists get so angered by my ideas, to such a degree that they find it necessary to attack me or to invent preposterous things I never said.
Because you cannot be allowed to stand in the way of the Perfect Utopia of Total Sexual Freedom (TM).
Nothing can be allowed to stand in the way of the Perfect Utopia of Total Sexual Freedom (TM).
You -- and the girls you write about -- are nothing more than more eggs that must be broken for the Perfect Utopian Omelette (TM), the Cause so Righteous it justifies any evil whatsoever to bring it about; so it has been since the French Revolution, through the First Russian Revolution, to the Sexual Revolution.
Posted by: Ken | August 31, 2007 at 01:18 PM
I have to agree with Ken; most journalists don't like reporting about the negatives of premarital sex since it would cause a conflict with societies current views on sexuality.
I like what the same blogger wrote in her entry:
"It's not right to blame the men, since we teach them how to treat us"
Absolutely. Bless the men, who either by parental guidance or providence who don't follow the masses, but it's true that our society has warped the minds of men into believing they have the right to demand sexual gratification from women and girls, and those who don't engage in this mindset are unfortunately shunned by their peers.
I should add that even many women think they have the right to make such demands or else they'll break the relationship
Posted by: ChristineMarie | September 01, 2007 at 12:17 AM
WOW I AM STUCK IN HIGH SCHOOL! I often times wonder why life does not feel much different than HS and I think this young girl's post has opened my mind. I am still in a HS relationship. He too calls the touching playing and gets angry when I say no. Not to mention other things. Unfortunatly I realized too late that I did not have to do all the things with him that he wanted. Now that I have changed he does not mind pressuring me to be the girl I used to be.
BTW Wendy thank-you for your books, I am up to reading the second one. My friend obtained your book when he was a student at Wabash College. His wife really enjoyed it so she got your second… it has been wonderful for all of us to read these two (he is only up to fully reading the first so far).
Posted by: Dusty M. Brahlek | September 01, 2007 at 08:54 AM
You are right on. The sad thing is, much of our news is distorted so you really have to investigate and educate yourself to find out what is actually going on. I get very encouraged reading your blog. I also just gave your older book to my 19 year old beautiful babysitter and she loves it. She is passing it on to a male lifeguard she works with. He just likes "hooking up" and sees nothing wrong with it especially since he tells the girls that is his intention. But he is very interested in reading your book. So I am encouraged that a movement is going on. Thanks!!!
Posted by: Sandy Brown | September 01, 2007 at 09:35 AM
Oh, Wendy... it always GRIEVES me to read about another young woman who is stuck in such a typical situation - and since it's typical, no one thinks anymore about how tragic it really is. I do hope she finds her way out.
Posted by: Anna S | September 02, 2007 at 12:12 PM
Thanks for this great post. The sad thing is many people are still in the "high school" type relationships. I personally know a number of men in their 30's who would refer to sexual intimacy and touching as "playing." I love your book and am such a big supporter of yours because you dare to go against the masses. Unlike society and the media in general you dare to speak of the negative consequences of sex. Any time you turn on your television casual sexual relationships are thrown in our faces. One night stands are portrayed as being norms that occur. The very real emotional and physical consequences of such actions are almost never revealed. I hope the modesty movement catches on soon! Keep up the good work!
Posted by: Rachel | September 03, 2007 at 12:21 PM
We live in an age of social and political decline (The Rise and Fall of Rome").
According to historian George Unwin, such a time is characterized by sexual debauchery (the loss of "societal energy and vigor"). Immodesty in clothing is part of this process.
Those who wish to save themselves from being swept along, must make a special effort to resist the tide.
Your book gives them the means to do so.--Thanks and Congratulations!
Posted by: BILL | September 04, 2007 at 10:57 AM
Wendy, I just found your blogs and work online a few weeks ago at work, and I'm addicted! I wantto thank you for all that you do, and reminding me why I've made the decisions I have and encouraging young women to do the same. I'm lucky enough to be engaged to the most wonderful guy ever, and we've been dating a year and seven months this month. We wont be getting married until after I graduate in 2009, and YES! We will be waiting until then to be intimate with each other. And guess what, its not only my wish to remain chaste but his as well. Girls- they exist, I promise, don't lower your standards or you'll miss him!
Posted by: Heather | September 05, 2007 at 01:44 PM
An accompanying modesty movement for males would be refreshing. It is important for males to understand that they are not somehow "entitled" to females -- females are not their toys, their slaves, or their inferiors, and must not be treated as such. Whether you agree with me or not, I strongly believe that females and males, as human beings, are equal, and therefore, if girls must be modest, boys should not be exempt, and I applaud men and boys who do just that.
My mother once said to me, regarding a tank top I was wearing, that I would get assaulted in that outfit. However, please know and understand that sexual assault can happen to anyone, anytime, regardless of what one is wearing (and as an advocate for rape victims and survivors, I can tell you that even the most modest girls are not exempt). Sexual assault is a choice that MEN (in the overwhelming majority of cases) make -- rape is NEVER the fault of the victim, no matter what she (or he) was wearing or where they were. How easy to blame the victim for her choices, but a rape cannot occur without a rapist. Rape is not about sex, it is about anger, power, and control, and often perpetrated by an acquaintance. True, if you act and dress modestly, you will most likely keep yourself out of many compromising situations (as I prefer to do), but no one will be exempt from sexual assault until we teach our men and boys that rape and other incarnations of "male entitlement," are wrong and unacceptable.
Posted by: Sarah | September 05, 2007 at 05:43 PM
Sarah - men and women are equal in their dignity before God, but they are not the same. Yes, men need to be modest too. No exercising without shirts, wearing speedos, etc. Rape (traditional definition) is an evil act - and only committed by a minority of men. (But for women who get drunk, have sex...and change their mind the next day --- oh he raped me --- sorry, it takes two to tango).
Women seem to be either very aware or quite naive about how their choices in fashion effect men - their wandering eyes, lustful desires, causing sexual arousal...women would do well to read what many men say in private about fashions...it's a daily struggle for many good men to keep custody of the eyes...and women can help much in this area. . .
Posted by: fred | September 06, 2007 at 01:20 AM
Wow. The saddest thing is that there will be little support in society for any girl that feels like she does... only stereotyping of the alternative choices as prudery and medieval. I think the notion of freedom can be extremely limiting for the soul that seeks meaning and the eternal naturally... Does she know about this site and the fact that she is on here, I hope she does....
Posted by: Priya | September 08, 2007 at 07:23 AM
Fred. It is not the womans "duty" to make sure that men don't think lustful thoughts. Thats HIS duty. No person has a duty because they're male or female, but rather duty as people.
Posted by: Clair | September 11, 2007 at 06:12 PM
Clair. Fred never mentioned the word 'duty'; but men and women both have the responsibility to avoid lust by how they view others and how they portray themselves.
Posted by: Marty | September 22, 2007 at 03:48 AM
Marty, your right he didn't. It just it seemed to me as though he was implying that, as you said, it was the womans responsibility, to dress to help cease a man's perverted thoughts and vice versa.
No one should ever have to dress in a way that they don't want to, male or female, to make sure that someone doesn't have lustful thoughts regarding them.
It is the person that has those thoughts responsibility to control them. Not anyone else's.
Posted by: Clair | September 23, 2007 at 05:21 AM
Also, I don't think lust is such an awful thing. It's only natural. It's when you act on it that it can be dangerous. Or perhaps where ones in a relationship, yet again, lust can be damaging. Note the word "can" though. Anything "can" be damaging.
Posted by: Clair | September 23, 2007 at 06:07 PM
"No one should ever have to dress in a way that they don't want to, male or female, to make sure that someone doesn't have lustful thoughts regarding them."
Mother Nature doesn't care about what human beings believe is right and wrong. Plenty of bad things happen to people who don't deserve it.
What Fred touched on is something that many men don't understand regarding women's behavior and rape. Of course rape is the rapists fault and no man I know of would ever argue otherwise. That doesn't mean you don't take steps to prevent the crime!
Many men are just baffled at how a woman can place herself in a situation that just screams "hey you're gonna get raped" and then act shocked when they do indeed get raped.
Camille Paglia is a woman who 'gets it':
"Like just this weekend--I'm getting so sick and tired, so nauseated by what's been happening--down in Philadelphia, where I work at the University of the Arts, there were two incidents at Temple University, and I think they're just a disgrace to women, these incidents--as reported--we don't know what really happened. The girl has met the guy once before, this is the second time she met him, they were at a party, she invites him back to her room, its three A.M., she falls asleep, and then suddenly something happens, and she charges him with rape. Now, pardon me, wake up to reality! This is a ridiculous situation. If a real rape occurs, I will help to lynch the guy from the nearest tree. I will be absolutely ferocious. I will get my switchblade knife--given to me by a reporter, by the way!--I will help track down the rapist and punish him. But this sort of thing is disastrous. We cannot have this, these white middle-class girls coming out of pampered homes, expecting to do whatever they want. They don't understand what's going on, that there's a sexual content to their behavior, that maybe there's a subliminal sexuality, a provocativeness in their behavior. "Don't say 'provocative'! Because then you're blaming the victim!" Well, women will never be taken seriously until they accept full responsibility for their sexuality."
Posted by: R.L. | September 25, 2007 at 09:28 PM
I agree with you, it is never the victims fault. However,I don't think you can really take steps to prevent it. You can take steps to try and avoid it, but its not a guarantee.
"Many men are just baffled at how a woman can place herself in a situation that just screams "hey you're gonna get raped" and then act shocked when they do indeed get raped."
I don't think there is anything in this world that can half justify a woman or man getting raped. Whether it be their clothes or their attitude. It's the perpetrators fault and in no way the victims - ever.
If that girl brought the guy back to her room and then fell asleep and then the guy tries to have his way with her while she's sleeping, thats not HER fault. What? The guy doesn't know how to control himself? Obviously he doesn't, that makes it HIS fault.
It is never ever the victims fault. If a girl or boy is playing around with his or her sexuality, it doeen't entitle him or her to get raped, and justify it. Just because you wearing a mini skirt or a tight top, does not forfeit your rights to not get raped. Just because you flirt with someone but have no intent to have sexual relations with them, does NOT entitle them to rape you.
I'll say it again, and a million times over, it is never ever EVER the victims fault, in any way shape or form. Theres no justification for rape.
Posted by: Clair | September 30, 2007 at 08:47 PM
I have to say I agree with Clair on this one. Rape is not something, I believe, that women cause. It is something beyond sexual arousal and basically violence which stems perhaps from hatred for women which is not the individual victims fault. Many females find themselves in too deep in certain situations but men can not be justified in taking advantage.
Posted by: Priya | October 01, 2007 at 11:14 PM
In addition to my previous comment I would like to add that men definitely have a responsibility to try and connect with and understand the women in their lives. I read a little more of the girl quoted blog and she was saying how much she respects her father for having modesty around sex. I think that men have a huge part to play in learning to respect and connect with women before trying to sleep with them... But this almost goes without saying !
Posted by: Priya | October 01, 2007 at 11:31 PM
This young woman is writing candidly about her disappointment with her boyfriend and about the lack of idealism in many teen relationships today.
I'm not sure where rape comes in here and why some people always prefer to ignore the issue at hand and politicize everything, but I'm happy to stress that no, I am not Camille Paglia nor do I hold her views on rape. I believe that men are responsible for controlling themselves even--perhaps especially--if a woman is drunk and cannot give informed consent.
As for what's wisest for a particular woman to do, I am happy to discuss that question but that is totally separate from the question of male responsibility in my opinion, and let's recall that it is also totally afield from the point of the original blog here--which I think we might consider getting back to!
Is what the young woman wrote so upsetting to some people that they are uncomfortable addressing it, and that's why they're returning to well-trodded territory?
Posted by: Wendy | October 02, 2007 at 12:33 PM
I just wanted to say: I spent a little time reading the blog quoted yesterday evening and the impression I get from the latest posts is that she definitely feels a lack of hope for the future which is not only common these days it is practically unavoidable. Lets be honest about what women need from relationships and make that a goal for men to reach and I bet you would feel the relief, I know I would! It is hard to imagine how many people are suffering now because of the obliteration of romantic, aspirational ideals and the complete denial of the importance of respect for the female body and heart. Personally, I couldn't count the amount of times that I have been told personally or read somewhere that it's not right to be picky; wanting to find a special someone is unrealistic & delusional; it's playing with a mans emotions to talk to him if you're not going to sleep with him; (slight exaggeration - but this is basically what it came down to) you should have your heart broken a few times before you start even expecting to be taken seriously etc... What it comes down to is a vicious attack on our natural wants and feelings perhaps by people who have managed to be brutal to themselves and feel an overwhelming need to have companions in their suffering instead of - shock - changing their minds or allowing for others life paths to unfold according to their hearts.
Posted by: Priya | October 02, 2007 at 03:25 PM
I challenge any high school girl to make a list of all of their role models and social influences that are advocating strong friendships with girls, respect for elders, or any other constructive values.
The fact is that our society is chock full of popular culture (music, videos, movies, television) about relationships, sex, and drama. It sells.
Meanwhile, divorce is at an all time high and we can only speculate as to why.
Without two strong halves in a relationship, how can there be a whole?
Are boys in high school really secure enough to "support" a woman - this is afterall, still a paradigm for many in our society. Perhaps this is why subjugation is their next best bet.
I also feel for high school boys- so much pressure on them to be little men and to have had sexual experiences.
We all need to question our motives a bit more before acting and ask ourselves, am I building myself up w/ this behavior or otherwise?
What are my intentions? Am I for myself ... the true self which deserves respect?
Posted by: Azi | October 21, 2007 at 12:12 PM