Wendy,
In
Girls Gone Mild you discuss your discomfort with the virginity ring...
I wonder where this discomfort comes from... if at your college you
were practically forced to wear "shameless hussy" stickers, why is it a
bad idea for a young girl/woman to publicly declare with a piece of
jewelry her stance to be abstinent? I lost my virginity at a
relatively young age, and feel that my decision to do so was largely
informed by cultural pressure.. . .
Cheers,
Elizabeth
Posted by: Elizabeth | July 28, 2007 at 11:55 PM
Hi Elizabeth,
I'm
glad you brought it up because there wasn't space to go into it in my
book. I have heard from many teenage girls who want to remain virgins,
but they are so embarrassed to reveal this to their friends that
eventually, some lose their virginity just so that their "friends" will
leave them alone.
So I think that it's great that there are
public advocates for abstinence until marriage now, because we
need that to be a valid option, but on a case-by-case basis I think I'd
prefer to see society returning to the concept of "none of your
business!" Girls don't owe anyone public statements about their
virginity to begin with; and to think that they do, to me, is too much
of a concession to the idea that modesty is really about shame. (I.e.,
if you're not ashamed about something, then you should be telling
everyone.)
Well, no. The reason not to tell everyone is because
the private realm is precious, and I believe allowing girls to carve
out their own private realm and to know they have a right to it would
do a lot to restoring a more humane society.
To sum up, I think
girls (or guys) should have the right to wear purity rings, but if it ever became
so popular that people made assumptions about those who didn't wear
them--well, I would be uncomfortable with that state of affairs.
Posted by: Wendy | July 29, 2007 at 08:57 AM
Thanks for starting this thought-provoking and interesting discussion. I generally agree with the synopsis thus far - that people should certainly have the right to wear purity rings, but that it should not be an expectation.
On a side note, I have known several fathers who have given their daughters a ring or a necklace as a symbol of the daghter's commitment to remain abstinent until marriage - and it has served as a powerful and precious reminder, not only of that commitment, but also of the importance of open parent/child communication. Has anyone personally experienced this? If so, what are your thoughts?
Posted by: Stephanie | August 11, 2007 at 12:11 PM
I think if purity rings became a commonplace item, many guys would see this as another challenge or potential conquest, albeit a more difficult one.
And what happens if you have no plans to get married? I guess celibacy is an option - people seem to have forgotten that - it's almost as if (and I am only talking about girls here) girls are obligated to have sex at an earlier and earlier age - this is so wrong - so, there are other options. I think if celibacy became popular, it would help with teenage pregnancy, "abortion-as-birth-control" issues (sick) and would make the world a better place for women and girls - Men have it on a plate these days - it sucks. I would also hope that if celibacy rings became popular, it would not be a signal to rapists (rapists can rape using coercion and "wearing down" tactics as well as physical force -it's still rape)- as oer comment above regarding "challenges".
Posted by: Koko | August 12, 2007 at 06:59 AM
Thats an interesting point Koko, I think that the whole attitude is something that has to change. I agree that certain men would take a declaration of purity as a challenge and that it may have the opposite effect to the intended one IE: attracting MORE creeps.
Posted by: Priya | August 12, 2007 at 08:45 PM
In a way this reminds me a little of Britney Spears... Britney is one year older than me so when i was 15/16 I distinctly remember her "emergence" into the pop world. She was very proud of being a virgin and thought it was important that she wait till marriage t have sex. I really think that the position that she was in was very sad because she was sexualised from day one and marketed and objectified and in a world that basically left no room for those kind of hopes. I'm not saying it would be impossible but it was highly unlikely and the way she is now I think that she is definitely damaged by that the dirty thoughts of "the world"... In this light I 100% agree with the notion of privacy. She was made into a fantasy virgin which in some ways, because of her industry and her youth and the rest, like the clothes and the lyrics she sung - the way she was marketed and what she learnt was appealing is just as degrading as anything else...
Posted by: Priya | August 17, 2007 at 03:42 PM
"There is so much pressure on people to either be one or not be one that the meaning of sex is pushed aside you're either in the club or you're not."
This point is very important. Whether or not a girl decides to loose her virginity is a personal decision, and not one that should be open to debate or comment by others. Purity rings will only encourage other people to engage you in conversation about why you are, or aren't, choosing to wear one. I personally don't feel I should have to defend my decision to anyone besides myself; and if I want to be a big slut then that's what I'll be. It's nobody's business but my own whom I choose, or don't choose, to sleep with.
And honestly, I find it really, really creepy and rather incestuous that fathers feel they should get in on their daughter's decision making process. Come on, now....I would feel incredibly violated if my father were to insist on his right into my sex life.
Another question- why aren't there purity rings for boys, given to them by THEIR fathers?? Why is it only women are expected to remain pure? Sexual double standards really make me angry.
Posted by: Heidi | August 19, 2007 at 09:40 PM
Just a question: how do I find the book club on Facebook? :)
Posted by: Joi | August 20, 2007 at 11:12 AM
Heidi you say :"And honestly, I find it really, really creepy and rather incestuous that fathers feel they should get in on their daughter's decision making process. Come on, now....I would feel incredibly violated if my father were to insist on his right into my sex life."
Personally I feel it comes down to looking out for your childs interests. I don't really agree with a father making a girl prove to the world she is a virgin BUT giving advice on what he believes to be best for her in the long run even in the thorny area of sex is surely the mark of a caring parent...? I don't think it is a much a "right into" someones sex life as a principle that can be incorporated and given as a tool to help the individual make informed and healthy decisions by someone who has a parents unconditional love. (and yes boys should have principles too :) )
Posted by: Priya | August 21, 2007 at 04:34 AM
I don't think that sex should be that big of a deal, but unfortunately it is. However, I don't believe "Purity Rings" is a great idea, in fact, not even a positive one. Even the name, PURITY ring, is obviously going to cause some kind of calamity.
The name is obviously a reference to virginity, however, just because someone has sex, does not believe they have lost innocence.
What if people who aren't wearing Purity Rings become seen as tarnished?
THe idea that sex MUST be talked about, rather the CHOSEN to be talked about, is what we should be aiming for. We should try and take sex off this pedestal that we have seem to placed it on.
Giving people JEWELRY to send out messages about their sex life does not help the situation that we're in.
Posted by: Clair | August 28, 2007 at 02:35 AM
SORRY! I meant that idea that sex MUST be talked about, rather then CHOSEN to be talked about, is the problem, and solving this problem is what we should be aiming for.
Posted by: Clair | August 30, 2007 at 02:55 AM
I had a sort of "purity ring" before they really became popular. I'm in my mid 20's now, but when I was a teenage I began expressing that I felt abstinence was important. For my 16th birthday my grandmother got me a small diamond band, she called it a "Promise ring", which was to be worn on my wedding band finger until my future husband replaced it with a wedding band. I still have it.
Posted by: Jenya | August 30, 2007 at 03:14 PM
I just saw a funny rant/bit by Marcus Brigstock, a comedian, and I have to quote him re. the purity rings:
If a girl wants to wear a ring to proclaim to the world that she's not having sex, tell her to get married like the rest of us....bu dum bump...(is this thing on??)
Posted by: Oren Amitay`` | August 30, 2007 at 10:14 PM
Hey Everyone,
I have been away for a little while but upon reading this blog I just had to comment on it. I find this topic to be very interesting. I am a young woman who has always supported chastity. I remember many times in the past when I’d be out in public or would walk down the street guys would make remarks such as “Hey Sexy” etc. I found these sorts of remarks to be annoying and wasn’t a fan of it. Naturally, I also have a very high sex drive. This affliction has caused me to suffer very much. In my heart of hearts I support chastity and would like to wait until I am married, but I am struggling!
As a result, not too long ago I purchased a “purity ring” for myself. I found this ring to have multi purposes. On one hand it serves as a constant reminder to myself about my chaste views. When I am on a date with a guy physically it reminds me that I have to exercise self control. In the past I perhaps have had amnesia and forgotten what my limits are. I feel that this ring I now wear will hopefully remind me (in case I get amnesia again) of my limits.
Interestingly enough, I find that I get hit on less by guys when I wear my ring. When I go out in public I wear the ring on my wedding finger so people think I am married. This keeps the guys away. I find a correlation between when I wear the ring and the number of incidents in which I get hit on to decrease. This is fabulous!
Physically, I am very petite and so it was always difficult for me to find rings that would fit me and as a result I never had any rings my entire life. So, it was lovely to be able to purchase a ring and have it custom fitted for my finger.
I had purchased a high clarity three stone princess cut diamond engagement ring. I purchased the ring that I absolutely loved. I plan on using this ring as an engagement ring. To elaborate further, when I finally meet Prince Charming he won’t have to buy me a ring because I would have already bought one for myself! I always thought to myself what if my fiancé purchased a ring for me that I didn’t like? Then, I would be stuck wearing an ugly ring for the rest of my life, which is a very long time. Being the kind of person that I am I would never tell someone that I thought their gift/purchase for me was ugly and as a result even if my fiancé bought a ring that I hated I probably wouldn’t say anything about it. I no longer have to worry about that. I already have purchased an engagement ring for myself. Prince Charming will only have to worry about getting the actual proposal right, which shouldn’t be too daunting of a task!
In conclusion, even though I dropped a good chunk of change on my ring I think at the end of the day it was all worth it! I think purity rings are great as they serve as reminders to individuals such as myself. No one other than myself (and now all of you!) knows the purpose of my ring but me. I do not walk around flaunting the fact that I am a virgin and I personally do not understand how one could discern the difference between a “purity ring” as opposed to just an ordinary ring worn solely for fashion reasons. For this reason, I think it would be great if more girls started to wear “purity rings” in case they too have bouts of amnesia as I often have!
Posted by: Rachel | September 02, 2007 at 09:44 AM