I believe this is true. When I was the most focused on finding a great guy, I was compromising my standards ironically and then furthest away from my husband. It was when I stopped obsessing and worked on improving my own life that my husband found me.

The best way to learn how to value yourself is to stop focusing on finding the perfect man, and instead deciding what qualities you think the "perfect partner" would have. Once you have made this list, pursue those things yourself, and make yourself your own perfect partner. Not only will this help you to become a person with character, but it will also help to combat the overwhelming need that many of us feel to be in a relationship "right now." It was only once I stopped looking for the perfect man and focused on bettering myself as an individual that I found both my husband and happiness.

Hilarie,

That was exactly what I was trying to say but I think you said it better!

This young man has wisdom beyond his years. He's absolutely right about staying out of a relationship until you find the right one.

Someone once said to me, "It doesn't happen, until it happens". That, basically, is it. So many single men and women join things and do things, in the hopes of meeting someone. I personally do not believe that western-style dating, especially the modern internet style, actually works well enough to be worth doing, for a woman comitted to moral purity, to chastity, and who values her own personal dignity.

What works, if anything is going to work ever, is to be a good woman now, and not worry about it. It's not a paradox either. Fixation on "how to find a good man" is blocking you from living the rest of your life, with dignity, with passion, and with joy. You are saying no to the joy you can have right now, as a virtuous single woman, if you live in false hope that the right man will take your empty life and make it worth living. Fill your life with joy, and beauty, and love, and live your life NOW.

I think romance can be a shiny trinket, and like the monkey with his hand in the jar, who won't let go of the shiny trinket, and so he loses the rest of his life, so are those who think romance is the doorway into a good life.

The reason to let go of living your life chiefly in order to find a man, is that a life lived for that sole purpose becomes empty, and if you do attract that guy, you won't have what it takes inside of you to make that relationship work, because your whole life of action, of virtue, your authentic gifts, your character, are compromised by focusing on that one mania.

If anything draws a good man, it's when he meets a good woman, who is living her active single life in a way that is not calculated to find her a man but which is just her living her life, loving God and those around her. A woman like this, is to be praised. Her virtues shine out like stars in the night sky. There are so few women like that. Yet, I know a half a dozen.

I know zero single men that would be good matches for them, though. I think, sadly, that there are even fewer men living lives of virtue. A woman, seventeen, twentyseven, or thirtyseen, hould not cease to be who she really is, merely to have a relationship, and should certainly understand that chastity preserves her dignity, her mental health, and all her many precious virtues. A man who does not appreciate her for who she really is in her heart of hearts, is not worth having. Binding yourself to anyone else is an act of self-immolation.

SeraphicSingles, who writes brilliant stuff about being a single woman, wrote about this in a kind of parable here:

The Club

W

I agree with Hilarie. In my past, with my insecurity and willingness to give too much too soon in order to please, I attracted men who wanted to exploit and abuse me. When I got tired of being a victim, I started getting offers from decent men. No, it's not all rosy, but it's much better than before.

Dear Wendy, I just finished reading your book and I must say that I was utterly blown away. I was expecting a rather emotion-based book with lots of Biblical one-liners telling me why I should be er...mild. But instead I found a book that was beautifully researched and so well written it made my eyes water! I'd go on with my honest praise (this is no flattery post!) but I think I'd probably just repeat what so many others have already said. So with that I'll say to those who have spoken so positivly of your book: HEAR, HEAR! God bless and thanks for having the guts to write your book!!!!

Hilaire, Wow. This was exactly my approach to finding a man (when I started to get serious about it and not just having a good time!)and I can say from my personal experience that it REALLY worked. It is a win-win proposition. You self-improve and get a man, or for the time being, just self-improve and like yourself a heck of a lot better. What could be better?

The young man - Joe - would be quite a find for the right young woman. I am just concerned that the consensus seems to be - better to be single than with the wrong man. At one level, I believe it. But, at another, dating someone who "may" be right is important, as long as it does not get physical. Just date in the "old fashioned" way - because often people who respect and admire someone can actually raise their own level of character. In other words, a good person can influence people around them to be better. Of course, I do NOT mean that one should date a frog and think he will become a prince. But date a nice guy and see if he can grow into your hopes and dreams. I speak from experience. I have been married almost 40 years! My husband was still in the process of becoming who he is now - and our relationship helped both of us to develop into the people we are today. Yes, the raw material had to be there. But neither of us were "finished" when we met - and we are still surprising each other! But I dated a lot of "possibles" or "maybes" before I found him - and I do not regret that because I kept my self-respect and virginity through the process!

This posting was truly lovely and inspiring to read. I agree with Joe's sentiments that it is better to be single and wish you were in a relationship then to be in a relationship and wish you were single. So often we as people in general are use to settling for second best. I find this is a common trend these days not just in relationships but life in general. I know students who are capable of being A students but settle to be B students. I wonder why such a trend exists. I meet many people who are complacent in nature-they know that they could do better but choose to settle for less. I am still single-no boyfriend, no husband, no significant other or partner. Before I found that I really wanted to be in a relationship and was looking for Mr. Right. I find now I have channelled my efforts and energies into other various endeavors. I spend a fair bit of time volunteering, spending time with my family and friends etc. I find such activities have helped me to better understand myself. Sometimes the people we understand the least are ourselves. I always find it ironic to find individuals saying things such as "I want to find a partner who understands me." So often, we don't even understand ourselves. The sad thing is we often don't even realise this phenomenon. Many of us walk through life in blindness, never truly knowing who we are, what our lives are all about, what matters to us etc. Some of us are merely just "existing." As people we are not trees that should be merely existing. Rather, we are people that should be living. We should strive to be the best we can be and do the best that we can do. We are to set standards for ourselves and maintain those standards. We should set goals and work to achieve those goals. However, I find many do create standards and goals but then end up lowering these standards. I think messages such as Joe's are beautiful. They are inspiring and coming from a man that is wonderful. Some men feel that they have a right to sleep with a woman if they are in a relationship with her-her feelings and dignity in general is ignored. As women I feel that we need to set the bar higher and create proper standards. After creating those standards we need to ensure that we do not lower our own standards. If all women prescribed to higher standards the world would be a much better place.

In response to Betsy's comment I have a few things to say. First of all, congratulations! To have been married for 40 years...wow! I also agree with your sentiments. As people we are always in a state of growth and development. We are always changing and developing. The person that you are today is nto who you were 10 years ago and is not who you will be in 10 years. It is beautiful to grow and develop with someone-to live life together and see each other change. However, as you quite rightly said the "raw materials" must be there. I have heard horror stories from so many people who got married thinking that their partner would change. Such instances rarely occur. One cannot change someone, they have to change with their own free will. Having said that, one must have similar goals, attitudes and basic compatibility in order to have a long term successful relationship with someone.

I just realised that this great posting emerged as a result of Wendy doing her lecture in Pittsburgh. I hope tomorrow at McMaster things will be just as successful and hopefully more thought provoking notes will follow :) Good luck Wendy!

I think the dating scene has changed since Betsy's time. A date, just one date, seems laden with expectations, as if like a job interview. I feel like James Barrie who wrote Peter Pan - kind of a childish imagination, not amused with adults seriousness. But I'm a girl, not a boy. Any way, I don't feel comfortable with the regular dating scene. There is a special man whom I like from afar. That's all I'll say. Wendy, I'm glad you were impressed with Pittsburgh. You are inspiring to me and you have a pretty smile.

Wow, well interesting subject and great comments. Being completely honest I think I have always found my motivation in the hope that I would one day be fully cherished and able to love in the fullest capacity but I remember reading something very profound that basically said "even if you marry the nicest man in the world and have the happiest life imaginable you will still have those times when tears will roll down your cheeks for only reasons God will understand" loving and sharing your life with someone else can easily be the most worthwhile thing a human being can do but that person is only human too and can not perform miracles only God can do that, strengthen your own spirit would be my (very) amateurish advice and try to make yourself as truly, deeply useful to that "someones" inner spirit as you can. The very best man in the world can only meet you as you are, and if you devote your time to serving the truth who knows how many people you may inspire along the way thereby making life sweeter for the people they meet. The shortest memory of a truly good person can give immeasurable hope.

Where/how do you find a good man? - Right where you are... I guess it's all about learning how to recognise one.... :-)and be honest about who and "where" you are. I like what Joe said about the disadvantaged groups of society, it's very very sad.
Thanks Joe, it's very encouraging to see, hear of anyone who has the courage to be a decent human being these days. There can't really be enough of them...

I think the dating scene has changed since Betsy's time. A date, just one date, seems laden with expectations, as if like a job interview.

Not just "a job interview". A One-Shot, All-or-Nothing Job Interview. You have one or two hours to Prove You Are The Perfect Mr Right; if you fall short of Perfection in any way, you're history. And her standards are so superhumanly high even God Himself can't measure up. Result: Rejection. Again.

I spent over $3000 on dating services to learn that.

Never again.

Wow, Ken thats alot of money. I think perhaps if people pay to meet people they could easily start thinking of them as a product to meet THEIR needs and so missing the whole point of human relationship. You are probably better off ! heres a hint: New Zealand has a shortage of men....http://www.kpmg.co.nz/pages/102743.html if you are still looking for an "other half" ;-)

With respect to Priya's earlier message: "even if you marry the nicest man in the world and have the happiest life imaginable you will still have those times when tears will roll down your cheeks for only reasons God will understand,” I completely agree. No relationship is perfect and no one’s life for that matter is perfect. For some reason when we think of love many of us are under the impression that once we meet that “special someone” all will be “hunky dory”-that our lives will be perfect. However, this is not the case. While love can deeply enrich one’s life and fulfill a person we must be mindful of an important truth: love is self-sacrificial. Love is at times a burden. At times it is difficult to love. I once heard someone define love as “loving the unlovable.” At the time I was confused by these words but now feel that I have a better understanding of what this means. So often we place restrictions on love. How often do we hear the words “I’ll love you forever” come out of someone’s mouth only to have it followed by something along the lines of “just as long as…..” Some time ago I remember reading about a man who claimed to love his wife deeply. The two had wed and had been married for a few years. The wife then got into a terrible skiing accident and was paralyzed. She was no longer able to walk and was confined to a wheelchair. Her husband decided that he wanted a divorce. I believe that such situations as the one I have just described are indicators of what true love is not. Real love seeks to give and not take-it is self- sacrificial. Real love puts someone else’s needs above one’s own needs/wants. To be able to truly love someone is to unconditionally always love them regardless of what burdens come along with that love. At times love is difficult, even burdensome. However, if true love exists in any relationship one will embrace any situation regardless of the difficulty they experience. We live in a self-centered society where people are always looking out for their best interest. Our society as a whole is selfish in many capacities. Selfishness has consumed the hearts of so many people and yet they walk around completely oblivious to this fact. The average American family spends 1/3 of their annual income on non-necessity items, meaning luxuries. In this world there are millions dying everyday because they lack the necessities of life. While we are busy upgrading our 30 inch plasma televisions to 42 inch plasma tvs people are dying of mal nourishment. In North America so many lose their lives each year to obese related diseases, while many individuals in developing/third world countries at the same time are dying of mal nourishment related diseases. The disparity between the rich and poor is mind boggling. Even from a sexual standpoint a number of individuals have no problem using other people to satisfy their own wants and I say wants because they are just that selfish wants-not needs. They are completely inconsiderate about the feelings and needs of another person. In this day and age women are often seen as a conquest or challenge to a man. They are viewed as being “something” rather than “someone.” The reality of our human condition is painfully obvious-we as a whole are consumed by our selfishness. Perhaps it is for this reason that truly loving someone else is such a daunting task. When we live our lives day in and day out filled with selfishness how then can we expect to be able to be giving and non self centered when we enter relationships? We cannot. Though it is a clichéd statement that “practice makes perfect,” I must agree with it. If we hope to enter into truly loving relationships we must start practicing love in our daily lives.

Hi Wendy, I was also at your talk in Pittsburgh. (With my friend Joe!) God bless your work! The more girls who hear you the better. I would like to ask you, how do you plan on protecting your own children from buying into our oversexed culture, and raising instead strong, pure, good young men and women? Any tips for parents or parents-to-be? My fiance and I would really appreciate your thoughts!

I think a fundamental problem is women taking on the role of the pursuer. Good men don't like to feel like they're being hunted. Like everyone else has expressed, we should focus on being good women.

With respect to Ken's comment I have a few thoughts. Like you Ken for some time I also was looking for a mate. I kept on searching for Mr. Right. However, now I have taken a step back and am focusing on myself. I am learning more about who I am as a person and am growing. I am waiting for Mr. Right to find me and I'm sure he will. Sometimes we need to let things come to us. I recommend spending time better understanding yourself. Explore who you are as a person. Many of us often say that we want to find someone who "understands us" however, in actuality often we don't even understand ourselves. As people we are always in a state of progression (or degression in some cases). The person you are today is not who you were 10 years ago and is not who you will be in 10 years. As people we are always evolving. As a result, in order to keep up with our own latest changes and developments we also need to constantly analyze and become better acquainted with ourselves. I suggest using this time to do just that-find yourself and come to better know and understand the "Present Day Ken."

I have just discovered your blog, was unaware of your book but like what I see! Thank you for swimming against the current cultural tide. I just posted a blog about Stacy Peterson and your latest post came in very handy. I quoted Mr. Muir in the blog and gave links to yours. I wish you the very best as you help our young women to resist the harmful influences flooding the media. dwhitsett.wordpress.com

I like your comments Rachel, and I agree - sometimes the search for another person is really the search for someone to understand you or to take away your pain. I think that ultimately the answer does come in the form of another person, or even many people - in the form of friend - and we learn more from others than we can on our own - focusing on yourself is important but by truly observing, supporting, trying to deeply understand and empathise with others the answers to our own issues can materialise. As for where true love will find us is: a mystery that we are probably better off not knowing the answer to.

Other people are definitely not there to meet our needs and if we start out with that idea we are stunting our own growth and denying ourselves of the character that only striving for goodness and betterment will produce.

Wendy, first let me say how much I enjoyed your book. Your commentary is much-needed, and your perspective is quite refreshing.

The point you make above, and one I am glad to see echoed in most of the comments here, is such a crucial one. Focusing on oneself and really taking the time to develop one's own interests, standards, and goals is so much more important - and so much more worthwhile - than simply focusing on trying to attract and then please a member of the opposite sex. In a culture where most every women's magazine and TV show is aimed at the latter, this message is especially important.

The irony here is that young women are given so many "tips" on how to attract men - flirting tips, dating tips, even sex tips - and spend so much time trying so hard to grasp a man's attention that, when they do manage to attract someone, they have no idea if he's even what they want, as they haven't taken the time to develop themselves.

As Priya says, only striving for goodness and betterment will lead to growth and true fulfillment.

So very well said. It's the advice I'm going to give to my daughter when she is older. The best way to find a good man is to NEVER settle for second best and always expect them to treat you like the lady you are!

Thank you!

I was really blessed by those words.

But if you meet a lot of people and you find that no one meets your "right one" criteria, maybe you should also spend some time thinking about what kinds of criteria you've set and whether they really are the right ones for you. Sometimes, for whatever reason, people fail to notice beauty, caring and intelligence in others. Sometimes we need to lower our defenses and open their hearts to people who will love us, respect us and take care of us if we give them a chance.

I've been struggling to stand up and believe what is being said: That giving up your quest for the perfect man and working on your own life and self-worth is the best thing. I come from a Mother who is greatly disturbed by my outrage towards disrespectful/perverted males, and who believes that "Life is better with a man, even if it doesn't work out." Sigh. She thinks my beliefs and high standards are getting in the way of my finding a man.

Can't I be complete and happy without one? Can't I work on my own life, have my hobbies, have my joy, and only get into a relationship if I've found someone I really, really like? I want to keep my high standards, but the struggle between my Mother and I is wearing me out. Thanks for the morale booster. Sometimes it feels like the whole world is against my beliefs. Gaining self-worth and being mild really is a struggle.