I saw that article as well and was interested in it. My main thought was that while women have become more "liberated" and "equal" to men, they are finding that underneath it all they are still women. So now it's generally expected of women that they will have careers, but on top of this they still have to be mothers... I suspect that many women find this extremely stressful and would prefer to stay home and raise their children, but the majority of society doesn't see that as a valid option.

And yes, through it all, women are expected to keep themselves "hot" for their men.

I think many women see how ridiculous that is and are able to focus on what they know is important in life rather than what society tries to push on them, but unfortunately the message that most girls and women receive is that they must be able to do it all.

This is clearly a cultural thing; "hotness" is far more highly valued than actual skills, talents, or God forbid, a truly winning personality. We're sent this message via television, magazines, books, film...it doesn't matter how accomplished a woman is personally or professionally if she isn't also, as the young lady said, "effortlessly hot", perfectly beautiful without a hint of trying to attain that beauty.

Beauty is the universal currency, after all, and without it...well, where are we? We're told that it is what we do that matters, not how we look, but the culture tells us something far different (or, worse, that one must truly "have it all", including perfect looks); unsurprisingly, most people have accepted this as so and reinforce it by following right along after it. I've seen extremely qualified women passed over for jobs and promotions in favour of a woman who often wasn't as qualified but was prettier (even by other women!). Hence, a great SAT score, good grades, and holding down a part-time job mean very little not only to the young woman who does these things but also those around her if she doesn't always look ready for her close-up.

To address Rebecca's comments, I believe it was Lauren Bacall who chided "modern" women who thought they could have it all, noting that a woman could have a career or a family, and that woman had to make a choice. Lauren's was clear, and it worked for her; I seem to recall remarks from Mrs. Bacall that she decided not to have children as long as she had a career, because it wouldn't be fair to the kids or herself to be torn between two worlds that way.

Wow - The hotness = happiness theory is not true... who would have thought it ?!

I think the fastest track to unhappiness and worse is placing your self worth in the opinions of others for endless reasons, women are very much encouraged to make a visual effect, on their general environment now in order to be valued, but how can anyone tell what impression they are making, how many people have the time to tell you, care enough, have any insight, don't have more important things on their minds, or give you more than a nanosecond of thought only to be overtaken by another fleeting attraction. In reality this kind of dependence on attention of this kind is the fast track to anxiety and lack of all internal strength and integrity not to mention the fact that it is practically a guarantee of setting yourself for abusive situations having discredited your own (very important) intuition.

I believe it's best not to focus on happiness anyway, if you really want a fulfilling life focus on meaningful projects and acts that reflect your deepest wishes and concerns, things that do not need external validation by a population of dubious intelligence, interest, attention span and insight (to say nothing of possible motives).

Wendy, I noticed that article a while ago too, and wrote my observations on my blog:

http://ccostello.blogspot.com/2007/10/more-opportunities-but-less-happiness.html

"It's a conclusion I just couldn't avoid, from my own observations and experience, and from sharing the experience of many women much older, wiser and more mature than myself. It's the following simple, yet often such an elusive statement: you can't have it all. If you think you can, that's an illusion. We are human beings with limited time and resources, and when we try to do too much at once, something is inevitably compromised. We can let this make us feel bitter and unfulfilled, or strain ourselves beyond our endurance – or we can let the 'have it all' myth go, and allow peace, contentment and order back into our lives."

Somehow I feel like radio had a lot going for it...sure, they advertised beauty products and all that, but what you say/said carries/d a lot more weight. Consider the singer Kate Smith. Attractive she wasn't- at least not late in life! But could she ever sing.

I don't think this so-called "happiness gap" really exists. I think this is a case of stretching flimsy psychological statistics further than they ought to go. See the following critique of this article: http://itre.cis.upenn.edu/~myl/languagelog/archives/004969.html

I find this topic quite interesting. I know a number of girls who also would fall into the category of the girl described in the aforementioned article. They are smart, successful, kind and personable yet they still feel the need to be a "hottie." I suppose this is the case partially because of the media projections that young girls are exposed to these days. I don't think there is necessarily something wrong with wanting to feel sexy or even wanting to be perceived as a "hottie". I think my concern is why girls want to be perceived this way, meaning what their motivations are. In simpler terms, if a girl was genuinely wanting to be perceived as a "hottie" for whatever reason I don't think that would necessarily be upsetting to me. However, if a girl wanted to be perceived in such a manner because of society's influence, then perhaps I would be concerned. However, it is often difficult to determine what motivates an individual. People themselves often are not even sure why they feel the way they do or why they hold the opinions that they hold. As a result, I would not expect a young girl to necessarily understand her true motivations.
Moving on, I may be going slightly off topic but I thought I'd mention the following anyway. Often in our society we feel that our power is something of an external nature-that it is something outside of ourselves. So many of us are guilty of always looking to buy that bigger house or pick up that fancier car. Why is it that we are this way? Perhaps it is because we feel that if we have such possessions we will become powerful. I think that many of us fail to realize that the greatest source of power that one has is their internal power. As people we are capable of marvelous things. We have so much "inner wealth." Our greatest possessions are our internal qualities. For such reasons I admire individuals such as monks or nuns for that matter. Such people often willingly forfeit all material possessions and opt for a life of poverty. Perhaps it is in this so called poverty that one is able to truly find wealth. In turn, with respect to this posting, often girls feel that they must look outside of themselves to become something in life. They seek the approval of others or feel that the people that they are simply is not sufficient-that they must be something more to someone else. When one lives their life and bases it on false premises, in time the truth becomes apparent to them. Likewise often girls who think that they need to be "hotties" attempt to conform to this by mere virtue of the fact that they believe it will better their lives in some way. It is only when such conformations occur and girls come to see the reality of a situation that they realize what a sham they came to believe. Such situations often end up detracting from one's present level of happiness, making an individual less happy than they were before they came to believe the false premise.

Hi Wendy,

May I know how do I link your page to my blog? It will be a good inspiration for the girls.

A lot of girls see it necessary to be "hot", I know thats the reality. But, I don't. I just don't see why these girls just can't see how I do. We're the same age. I've been exposed to the same media, peer pressure ect. I guess the only difference is, I was taught independent thought is what makes you you, don't let it go.

If girls are taught that from a young age, I don't think there should or would really be a problem, especially on the scale that there is now.

Your presentation in Pittsburgh last night was entertaining and thought provoking. Please continue in your great work, and know that you are offering an option that an entire generation of women has previously been denied.

"A Return to Modesty" was a life altering read for me and countless other women; thank God for those who aren't afraid to stand and fight.

With respect to Clair's comment, I first of all appreciate your sentiments. However, I suppose one cannot or rather should not expect others to simply "see things" the way you may. We each experience different socialization processes and are raised in different enviroments. It is also important to remember that people mature at different stages in life. I have met many 40 year olds who act like 10 year olds and I have met many teens who truly are "old souls." As a result, I suppose the best thing to do is to try and articulate to someone your position on something and help them that way to appreciate your sentiments. However, also keep in mind even when we try our best to make others see things from our perspective we are nto always going to be successful.

Once upon a time, I slept around. I liked the attention and the "hottie" feeling.

I had a baby in May and my partner doesn't make me feel very "hot", so I dyed my hair blonde because that's how people know Mindy, not mommy. Did it rekindle that sexiness? Of course not! It looks more like piss yellow than blonde, my skin looks a paleish pink, and self esteem didn't come in a bottle of dye.

It is hard trying to fix yourself up after having a baby, especially when you suffer from depression. I am getting burnt out on trying to heal myself physically and fighting to promote myself as the sexy little thing I once was. I don't really want that anymore, yet I feel so undesirable lately.

The amazing thing is, through the pregnancy and a change of location (a christian household) my morals started to shine through. I have opinions and ideas that I didn't have when I was laying on my back all the time ;)
And I'm finally seeing what valuable time I lost while I was fixing my hair, taking hour long showers, caking on the mascara, and adjusting my cleavage. I once had this sick idea that I had power through being a sexy woman, and I was so wrong.

This child and all of this change has brought out my soul in wonderful ways! I saw the book on amazon and it was something that really caught my attention. Now I must read!

Interesting comment Mindy, it's an easy idea to believe these days that being "sexy" is a powerful stance, but in reality it's a very false idea of what it is to be a female and is more inhibiting than liberating... When I think of the idea that the new ideal of woman=stripper it really seems as if women are encouraged to be very disconnected from who they are, I ( regrettably ) tuned into the music station yesterday for half an hour only to see the new Avril Lavigne vid pronouncing how hot she is, over and over while posing in lots of sexy/stripper contortions - it makes me really worried to think of the young minds that are growing up - directly influenced by the idea that being a female ( and every young female, in my experience does look up to women who seem to embody beauty, if only in the physical aspect ) is the same as being stripper contorting themselves to be arousing at every moment, I can't think of a narrower or more disabling expectation. I think that before you understand something you are very much open to suggestions and I would guess that almost every young woman in western society has bought into the myth that seems to be the only one in the mainstream - that Sex is an Enabling tool that should be used whenever necessary for any number of reasons, the problem is that it does mean more than that - more than our society is willing to admit. I hope you enjoy the book Mindy, I'm sure you will, I think the value inherant in being a woman ( or human in general, lol ) is something that is beyond the grasp or vision of those who would rather live like predators so it's not being less than sexy and chaining yourself up it's being so much more than representative of a "function" - because you're worth it.

Wendy:

My wife and I married when I was 25 and she 23. We both "waited"; i.e., remained virgins, and we now, a decade and change later, have two children, both daughters (almost 5 and almost 2, respectively). We're relatively traditional in our outlook.

I agree wholeheartedly that the "slattern chic" tart-wear sold to young girls these days is appalling. I want my daughters to look cute, or classy, or neatly-dressed, or beautiful, as appropriate. But "sexy" or "hot" should not enter the lexicon until they turn sixteen at the earliest -- and then only in the most oblique ways. Young men's imaginations have more than enough information to work with, already. (They had more than enough when I was young, in fact...and the society has become radically more sexualized since then.)

But I do have two caveats. And I wonder what you'll think of them. Here they are:

1. Modesty is a function of how closely a person's attire mirrors the standards of their society. But societies differ: A Victorian woman showing her ankles is more immodest in her society than a topless woman in some Amazonian tribal area. And, societies change: Our own society once held something like the Victorian standards; now, two hundred years later, the "office casual" work outfit you might find appropriate for any venue is something which would have gotten you arrested in the early years of our society.

That being the case, is it possible in our society to over-enforce modesty on one's children, and thereby (unintentionally and with the best of intentions) push one's daughters outside the zone of "modesty" and into the zone of looking frumpy, antiquated, or entirely oddball?

2. A related concern: How should parents best instruct their daughters in the art of looking nice, classy, and attractive? Can concerns about teaching modesty prevent a parent from teaching their daughters this other skill, which is also important?

I ask because my wife, who now dresses well and is an attractive woman, did not learn to do so initially and got no guidance from her parents in this department; their sole concern was preventing her from being immodest.

When I met her, my initial reaction (one I'm glad I took the time to revise) was: "Nice person; but way too frumpy-looking and unkempt for me to be interested in romantically. Heck, I'd be embarrassed to introduce her to friends and family." And it stayed that way for some time. And after we began dating, the two sides of my mind were at war over this issue; I nearly broke up with her twice because I kept thinking, "She's the most wonderful person I know, but I just don't know if I can stand the idea of marrying her, and then spending the rest of my life attached to someone who looks like she doesn't give a rip."

It is, in fact, one of those quandaries that a "nice guy" can find himself in: It would make her feel bad to say anything about the problem, but so long as the problem goes un-fixed, it makes the guy feel terrible. No guy feels like he has to marry a supermodel, I think. But if the woman he's with doesn't take reasonable steps to be attractive with what she has, her mate feels deeply devalued. It's as if he owned a priceless painting, and she smeared mud on it. Worse: She IS the priceless painting, his most valued treasure...and she smeared mud on herself.

(Rather than end on that low note, let me say that, with the assistance of friends, the TV show "What Not To Wear," and Shaunti Feldhahn's book "For Women Only," my wife now looks as great as she is, and I'm immensely happier as a result.)

I guess you see where I'm coming from here. I've been entirely honest in this note, though I fear you'll dismiss my first concern as unrealistic and my second as another piggish male reverting to type, thinking of women as "eye candy."

But I hope that you women who encourage modesty in girls (which, as the father of two daughters, I support entirely!) won't neglect the other aspect: Encouraging them to care for their appearance. "Sexy" and "trampy" are bad in a 15-year old. But so are "unkempt" and "mousy" and "sloppy" and a few other adjectives.

Girls should understand that when you take away the option of looking tarty, you do so only to steer them toward something better: A classier type of beauty which informs the viewer that the woman has good taste and good judgement, and cares about her appearance because SHE IS WORTH IT.

R.C., I think you bring up a good point; however, I object to the idea of a wife as a valuable "painting" (item) owned by the man. A painting is not only an object but also an item that exists solely for viewing pleasure.

I have a really stupid question. "Hot" means "someone you want to sleep with", doesn't it? Or does it just mean pretty? I always thought it meant the same as sexy -- which is why I was so confused when I heard the other moms at the playground encouraging their daughters to pose and look "hot". but according to them it just means pretty. Am I missing something?

I just wanted to thank you for being a voice of reason in a world full of too many wrong messages. I only wish I had your book when I was a teenager.

I managed to stay true to myself in the end, and I married a great guy who respects me. The journey would have been less bumpy though, with the Girls Gone Mild movement. I'm happy for this next generation and hope they embrace it.

I have 2 little boys who I'm raising to respect women and I hope some day they will each find a wife who respects herself.

Thanks for all you have done!

To the man who wrote about his wife looking "frumpy"--tell her to check out funkyfrum.com--it's a great online store which features modest but FASHIONABLE clothing. i also have a dilemna in which i want to look pretty and fashionable, but not at the expense of my modesty. Unfortunately, a lot of stores offer tarty clothes, and the ones that are modest look awful! this website has helped me out a lot, and has a wide price range to accomodate all budgets.

I remember when I was about nine or ten years old, and all the girls were reading DOLLY, which taught them who was hot, who was not, which boys were sexy, how to look hot, how to look on dates, how to act, how to interpret the boy's text messages, how to ask out your crush, how to french kiss, how to apply mascara, and the list goes on.

I'm sorry, WHAT?! Eleven year olds, staying up to watch the OC, applying lipgloss and mascara, dressing up as hookers to the school socials... Its so sad to remember the majority of girls I grew up with being this way. I, on the other hand, suffered bullying and social exclusion for not having the nerve to wear mini skirts with striped socks and bikini tops and makeup. It was awful, for all of us. You were either uncomfortable and awkward and faking it, or uncomfortable, awkward and humiliated. Insecurity created tension, and all of us got hurt. Its not an exaggeration, it was painful, and hundreds of girls were involved. I wish they'd have had a more comfortable and honest alternative to aspire to back then.

Here's what I have to say. I do volunteer coaching with a cheerleading squad for girls ages 4-10 from a non-profit organization that has several others. I am the only cheerleading coach who actually teaches my girls how to do the athletics involved, correctly, and I am the only one who does not allow them to say cheers about their specific body parts, I do NOT allow them to flash their panties at the crowd (one squad does, and it is disgusting), and we do not do any bumping, grinding,booty shaking, or those deep knee bends that strippers do. (Which the other squads have been doing). We actually do cheers that are relevent to the game, I've been giving my girls training in ballet and jazz so they can learn how to move in a classy way, and in the beginning, I got a lot of crap about not doing the cheers that everyone else does. I simply said that I don't do stripper cheers, which surprisingly, got people to back off. (I thought I was going to get beat up for that). I am just amazed that none of these girls parents have stood up and said, "I don't like these kind of cheers."
I have gotten a lot of respect from the dads as a coach because they see me put their daughters through athletic training that builds strength, intelligence, and discipline. I find it ironic that it comes mainly from the dads and the football coaches, but it does.