It's been such an inspiring week hearing from some of you. A thank you to Michelle from Scotland for her beautiful postcard and to the great Rachel D'Souza for passing on her wonderful poem. The last stanza is so cute I can't resist reprinting it:
Wait for your prince,
don't settle for a frog.
And if you need some gal
support check out...Wendy's blog.
That's right! And don't forget to join the Girls Gone Mild Book Club on Facebook--thanks to Shauna from LA who started it--where you can form alliances with other strong women (and some like-minded men too).
Several undergraduates have written me to say they know they've made mistakes, but it can be so painful to start over and break with friends. I can definitely sympathize on that score. At the same time, if "friends" are making fun of you for choosing not to participate in unhealthful behaviors, it's worth questioning whether these people were ever your friends to begin with. Making better decisions typically brings better friends--meaning people who actually care about you.
Speaking of which, I thought you'd all be inspired by reading Ally's story, below. Ally is just 22, but it's never too late to start raising your standards. Remember, you're worth it.
In Wendy Shalit’s Girls Gone Mild, Chapter one “Hi, Slut!” captures the stories of teens and college aged students who have been oppressed by the expectation and pressure that they will engage in casual sex. The story that Shalit tells deeply echoes my own experience with sex and dating. I was twenty years old for the first time that I kissed a boy. I thought that something was wrong with me, and felt prude and repressed.
When I went to college I felt an even greater pressure to hook up as all my friends would randomly do so with boys after getting wasted on the weekends. I wanted to go on dates, like the stories my parents would tell. But dating as we know it has disappeared, “Much to the disappointment of many students, male and female, there’s no real dating scene at Duke--true at a lot of colleges”(3).
It would be weeks after my first kiss that I would lose my virginity to a very attractive stranger, a visitor to our school, following the encouragements of my friends who couldn’t believe that I was still a virgin. I thought to myself, “What is wrong with me? Why haven’t I had sex yet?” So I did it. And just as Shalit maintains, the pressure to have casual sex is prevalent, and is proven to be very unfulfilling. After I did it my friends all congratulated me and I felt a sense of relief. But I also felt like I had done something terribly wrong, purging myself of feeling.
I’m not alone. Shalit claims that college students are having sex when they really don’t want to, as looking wild and acting wild are supposed to be empowering. But they often lead to “misery, especially for young women who quickly learn to put their emotions in deep freeze in order to do what is expected.”
When I went on Spring Break in Acapulco I went wild. I thought it was the cool thing to do. I had sex with three people, including the club owner. He actually gave me a Girls Gone Wild Hat after we did it. I still have it. I thought I was doing the right thing for a woman my age. But after that trip I felt disgusted with myself. I was ashamed and empty. I thought I had become really good at keeping my emotions in check. I could hook up with a guy and not fall for him. But it still felt wrong. I regret it. “Everyone swims toward the norm and imagines others are having a great time, when in fact many are drowning”(12).
“Is sex more than just intercourse?”(4). This modern drive for sex has taken precedence over these courtship practices, along with love and intimacy and even marriage. I have never been on a date. Except with my boyfriend, but that doesn’t count. Other than that I have never been on a date with a guy. I always wanted to go on dates, but none of my friends ever did it, none of them. I think this has proven to be disadvantageous to society as whole, detaching our emotions and very own self-value.
I feel as though there are conflicting social messages. My inherent values and core beliefs adhere to those of commitment and love. My primary goals in life consist of marriage and children. But I have diverged from my true worth as I have succumbed to the new standard. I have had sex with five people, and I was only in a relationship with one of them. That doesn’t make me proud. But we live in an age where as Shalit writes, “sex tapes are star-making vehicles,” and the term slut is casually coined to refer to women across America. I don’t want to be part of the norm. I want to raise my standards. I don’t want to have sex until I am married. And at the very least, I won’t have sex with somebody until I truly get to know him.
Obviously, Ally has an honesty and courage which is extremely admirable, but to me, the great lesson of her story is this: That "friend" of yours whom you're trying so hard to impress by being "wild," it's quite likely that she is harboring doubts of her own. Your speaking out and making better decisions can inspire her to have hope and make better decisions too.
Never underestimate the impact you can have, just by staying true to your own hopes.
Aww thank you Wendy. I am so honoured that you chose to reprint a part of my poem. I was exceptionally privileged and touched to meet you. Hearing you speak was incredibly touching, moving and inspirational and you truly are a lovely woman and author. In comparison to what you have given to the world I felt humbled to give you such a small present but if it brought the least bit of joy to you and put a smile on your face then it was all worth it. I suppose it is not the big things we do but the small things we do with care!
Posted by: Rachel D'Souza | November 09, 2007 at 09:18 PM
Great post, thanks for Rachel's inspiring rhyme ! I'm sure there are alot of girls/women who relate to Allys experience which is why it's so important to have an alternative.
I agree 100% that friends often aren't. Loneliness is hard especially when your are younger which is why this site and the wonderful club is so important... a fantastic, uplifting reality check in a world of cruel normalisers that don't give two hoots for your soul or emotional well being.
I personally have been given tremendous hope by the sincerity and dedication of you Wendy, you are truly an inspiration. Thanks to your words many will be given the chance to re-evaluate and reconnect with the selves they are proud of being.
A sense of camaraderie can be essential and thats something that can be achieved with honest heartfelt words from a person of compassion and personal aspiration.
Posted by: Priya | November 09, 2007 at 11:19 PM
It is a relief - but a very sad relief - to see that I am not the *only* one who feels utterly betrayed by everything I have ever been told or taught regarding sex. I'm 32 years old and I've spent almost my entire adulthood feeling like an absolute freak. Now I see that...so does everyone else! Even most of those women/girls who have busy sex lives. I sincerely hope that the tide continues to turn - thank God the word is getting out.
Posted by: Michelle in Scotland | November 12, 2007 at 05:15 AM
This is a wonderful story and a touching example that proves it is never late to start over. So often I hear of individuals who claim to have made terrible mistakes in their lives that they cannot forgive themselves for. I always find this phenomena interesting. While some of us may struggle to forgive others, many of us struggle to forgive ourselves. We condemn ourselves and are not able to make peace internally. However, we must realize that we are masters of ourselves and the moment that we resolve to change our lives we can become different people. As I have previously written as people we are always in a state of progression (or degression in some cases). The individual who you presently are is not who you were 5 years ago nor will it be the person you will be in 5 years.
Ally’s story can serve as a beautiful illustration of an individual’s evolution. Ally may have her mistakes in the past but that is not the important thing. The important thing is that she learned from her mistakes. We all make mistakes in our lives-this is the inevitable. Making errors and lacking perfection is a habitual quality of being a human and cannot be avoided. To attempt to live life to the contrary would not be feasible. As a result, we must strive to do two things when making mistakes: 1)learn something from our mistakes and 2) try not to make the same errors over and over again.
While some may look at Ally’s story as tragic tale, I do not. I see a tale that is plausible and something to be joyful about. Young Ally has learned from her mistakes. She has discovered the very real effects that sex has. She has discovered how flawed society’s way of thinking is and most importantly she has resolved to change her life. Sadly, many people are not able to come to the same realizations that Ally was able to. They continue to spiral downhill and engage in self-destructive behaviours-never acknowledging their mistakes or correcting them. It is as though they go through life in blindness, stumbling with each step they take.
I often come across individuals who appear to be walking as though they are blinded. They spend their lives stumbling around making the same mistakes over and over again. However, every now and then I am fortunate enough to witness first hand or hear of stories such as Ally’s in which individuals are shown the way. From that point onward they no longer are stumbling around but rather are able to hold their heads up high and leap through life. They have come to learn of certain things and are changed people. For the first time in their life they understand themselves.
I also believe that it is important to not hold one’s past against them. We often find ourselves doing this-sometimes unconsciously. I remember a few years ago a story broke out in the news in which a boy got into a schoolyard fight with a friend and ended up knifing him. He stabbed his friend and ended up killing him. The boy was sent to jail. While incarcerated, the boy became very withdrawn-he would speak to no one. Some of the professionals said that they felt that this was the case because the boy was so ashamed of what he had done. A few years later the boy, now a young man was released from jail. He was out on the street one day and was randomly caught in the middle of a shoot out. The young man had been at the wrong place at the wrong time and had been shot to death. The next day the headlines in the papers were something along the lines of “A Killer Gets Killed.” I remember thinking to myself how quick we (as a society) are to place labels upon people. Even if this young man had repented for his actions and wanted to change his life we would have always called him a killer. It didn’t seem to matter that he was the victim of a shoot out-that he got gunned down for no reason or that he too had family that would spend their lives grieving for him. All that mattered was that killed and now he had been killed. It almost seemed as though he deserved what he got. People didn’t really seem to blink an eye at the tragedy that had occurred. They failed to see how wrong it was that a man could be walking down the street and get shot and killed for no reason. Their view appeared to be that he got what he deserved.
Such outlooks are dangerous. We always need to remember that people can and do change. We all learn in different ways and at different times. As a result, I urge people to look at others for who they are today. Not who they were or who they will be but who they are right now.
Posted by: Rachel D'Souza | November 15, 2007 at 08:14 AM