"You and Mr. C. are going to drive each other crazy if you try to divide the cost of every single thing you share. Try to look at the whole forest of your relationship, not just the weeds, and decide if the financial burdens of your shared life are approximately equal. If they aren’t, then you have a legit complaint. But if they are, and you push him on this issue, what is he going to demand that you pay half of? The cost of the porn he watches to get himself in the mood? The health-club membership that keeps him in top physical condition for you?"

The cost of porn to get him in the mood ? Well there's a compliment! Pay for your own contraception makes sense if you view sex as something a bit like tennis, no-one would say a man owes a woman a racket! But I really don't believe that anyone should be having sex with anyone who is not willing to share the emotional and physical realities that it brings. I think that if someone is not able to commit themselves in that very small way it is a major sign that they are someone you should not be having sex with.

Priya is 100% right. Hello, if a man needs porn to get excited to be with you, don't pay for his porn, run in the other direction and fast!!

The link you've used to our sexual readiness checklist is a spam site. Not only are they without permission to reprint the list -- nor do you likely want your readers to have to get spun to a spam site -- that is not an actual copy of the checklist, which lives here.

Too, Scarleteen is not intended only for young women, nor is that checklist addressed only to women, but to young men as well, and in context (which is extensive, and hardly limited to the ability to pay for BC), that is very easy to see.

We'd absolutely, and quite vehemently, agree that putting all the responsibility for cost and care per birth control in heterosexual couples on women is sexist and unbalanced. Why seek to create divisions when there is agreement?

It's true that there is a sad misogyny about birth control today, even in the text books. 99% of birth control methods listed in Tortora's Principles of Anatomy and Physiology are female-use contraception. Male condoms were mentioned only briefly, and vasectomies were not mentioned at all. The sad fact of birth control today is that, generally, it is seen as being the "woman's responsibility." In fact, a lot of men today don't want to be bothered with safe sex at all, financially or otherwise. Most female methods of birth control come with some rather serious drawbacks. Those that are not abortive in nature or significantly less effective generally make use of synthesized hormones, which mess around quite seriously with a woman's natural body chemistry, not to mention increase the risk of dangerous conditions like deep vein thrombosis. And yet, a lot of men are reluctant or flat-out unwilling to use a condom.
I think we need to stand firm and demand our men take some responsibility.
Buddy, if you don't want to take some responsibility for contraception, then the birth control I'll be using is Aspirin. One pill placed firmly between my knees.

Wendy, happy to chat with you about this.

I don't mean to nitpick semantics, but I think that saying having money to handle some of the costs of sex, as one of MANY aspects of readiness is "equating" readiness to having money. As well, I have said on that list from the start, right at the top of the page that sex does NOT equal maturity, and we've explained this daily to teens for all of the nearly ten years I've run Scarleteen. Too, again, that list is directed at BOTH partners (and Scarleteen also isn't just for heterosexuals, so).

Too, Scarleteen is a very interactive site: if teens reading are unclear, not only can they come to us and ask for clarification or further discussion, they often do. Our message boards have over 30,000 registered users, and there are constant discussions about all of this. But overall? From what I can gather, most of our readers really do seem to understand what's being said and what we intend with it.

But too, a lot of people CANNOT relax because they ARE ashamed. Perhaps of their bodies, perhaps because they're trying to have sex in a context or relationship they don't really feel is right, perhaps because they know they're having sex with someone who doesn't treat them with love and respect, and with anything like that, shame and/or lack of relaxation, I think we can agree it's likely NOT a great idea for someone to be having sex, in ANY context. (And we don't ever present not being ready as some kind of bad thing, or readiness as some sort of special status.) Again, I hear you saying the kinds of things we've always said and say daily. I get the impression from how you've represented and talked about Scarleteen in the past that you perhaps are seeing a great divide when in actuality, there may be some divides or differences in opinion, but far less than you'd think or have seen.

I don't want to scroll off the page, but per the gender divides with birth control, one of the trickiest things is that we DO have a natural divide we can't bridge because it IS only women who can become pregnant and also because we simply have so few methods of birth control which men can use or be equally responsible for.

Regarding the idea of helping to pay for birth control as a "commitment"--at the university where I went to grad school, and I'm sure many others, women buy six-month or yearlong supplies of birth control pills. It's very convenient, saves health center pharmacy (wo)man-hours, and is easier on students who forget to call in or pick up their refills. (I admit that I'm one of those.)

Paying for a one-year supply at $12 a pack was a financial pinch for me, but nothing like the $30-50 I'm hearing quoted in the media. So perhaps when the young man said that chipping in for birth control was too much of a commitment, his partner wasn't buying her pills, patch, or ring on a monthly basis.

This is a sore point for me because the hormones started to give me debilitating migraines about 5 months into my year's supply. Now I have $72 worth of pills and no use for them.

Toni Weschler, in her book 'Taking Charge of Your Fertility' notes that women are fertile less than ten days out of their entire cycle, whereas men are fertile at all times.

So, putting aside all my Christian perspectives on the issue, it would only be 'fair' for the men to take the brunt of the responsibility in birth control.

However, realistically speaking, even if the men were willing, there aren't a whole lot of options for men to control their own fertility. And the women are the ones who bear the pregancy.

So life isn't fair.

And this is where my Christian perspective screams to come in and explain that's why God created marriage, and why sex outside of marriage is so abhorrent to Him.

Is it fair that one puzzle piece doesn't get the same part of the picture as it's next interlocking piece? No. But it certainly is better that it doesn't! But each piece must play its proper part for it all to work out better.

Heather,

I understand it can be difficult to read views with which you disagree, but if I didn't publish comments I disagreed with, then that would mean not only censoring Joe's comment, but yours as well. As long as people don't attack others personally and they have a point to make, I always try to include all points of view because I think we all benefit from hearing the other side.

In terms of your comments about me, it's interesting that in your posts so far you have raised only two possibilities: we either a.) deep down, agree or b.) I'm being disingenous. I would submit that neither is the case, and the more obvious answer is that we simply disagree, and that's OK. I don't think you're a bad person or you're being dishonest just because we disagree. As I said before, I don't question your good intentions.

To me, people can have different opinions because they have different information, different experiences and/or different ways of looking at the world, and that's fine. I don't expect you to agree with me on everything; but it seems to me that you have to allow for the possibility that others might disagree with you and that, like you, their intentions are also sincere.

Getting back to the substance, I appreciate your clarification about the sex budget but the checklist doesn't refer to "some of the costs of sex," but rather "$50 minimum per month to take care of any needed birth control," so I got the impression you were referring to ALL of the costs for contraception. If you really mean only "some" and to imply shared cost, perhaps that could be made more explicit.

About shame, if we were living in Saudi Arabia I might agree with you, but since we're living in North America where most schools have comprehensive sexuality education programs and sex not only sells but sex tapes are star-making vehicles, I do not that think that being ashamed of their bodies is what typically motivates teenage sexual reticence.

And so I think sending that message is problematic. If a teen is feeling more modest because, let's say, they want to wait for the right person and they are told that modesty is about "shame," they might not have the confidence to question that message--whether in your forums or in other places. They might just accept this as received wisdom and feel bad about themselves.

I'm sorry that you are unhappy that I'm talking about this, but I think it's actually a good thing that we both have our own opinions and hopefully, girls will have more choices because they can hear both sides.

Hi, I just wanted to pick up on Rachel's' point about the mother who wanted her daughter to have an abortion - while my views on abortion are probably similar to yours Rachel in that I am very much against them, I do not believe that the mother was necessarily being selfish: she could have truly wanted the best for her daughters future and saw a child as an impediment to that, it could have been love for her daughter that encouraged her viewpoint. I had a friend that went through very similar circumstances and in that case the mother told me how she felt and I don't believe that there was selfishness involved - it doesn't mean it's right however...

Hi Priya,

Thanks for your note. While I do appreciate your sentiments. I can vouch that I believe that the mother's intentions were in fact selfishly derived. The daughter wanted to have the child and the daughter's boyfriend did as well. In North America we have a number of agencies that would happily accept children if one were to want to give their child up for adoption. The mother could have supported her daughter to have the child and then give the child up for adoption if she felt that she was not able to raise the child at the time. That way the daughter could continue her life and education and better herself and her situation and then if she wanted to raise the child she could take the child back into her care. In the alternative, even if the child was given up for adoption and adopted by another family it would probably still be better for the daughter. From a physical and emotional perspective the daughter would probably be in a better position.

Being someone who has studied abortion, the various techniques used and the long and short term consequences I can tell you that from a physical and emotional perspective an abortion is anything but pleasant. So many women are fooled into believing that it is nothing-a five minute procedure. They are not told that this apparent five minute procedure is something that can possibly haunt them for the rest of their lives. In my high school there had at one time been an abortion epidemic in which a number of girls would get pregnant, panic and then have an abortion. I cannot even begin to tell what sort of an impact abortions can have on young women (and women in general). But please, do not take my word on it. Let us recall the frightful words of Lori Nerad, the former national president of Women Exploited by Abortion. Her painful words resonated very much with me when I first heard them and still do. With respect to the abortion she chose to have she has said the following: "Two weeks after the abortion, I went into labor. I staggered into the bathroom. And there, with my husband beside me, I delivered a part of my baby the doctor had missed. It was the head of my baby… "I'll wake up in the middle of the night, thinking I hear a baby crying. And I still have nightmares in which I am forced to watch my baby being ripped apart in front of me. I simply miss my baby. I constantly wake up wanting to nurse my child, wanting to hold my child. And that's something the doctor never told me I would experience." If these words have the same impact on you as they did on me when I first heard them I am sure that you can see where I am coming from. I remember upon hearing these words I thought to myself what would one do if after having an abortion one were to deliver the head of their child? Would they bury it? Would they simply throw it in the trash? Would they continue to believe the lie that is being spread that it was never really a child but rather just a bunch of cells? What is one to do? Such haunting and grotesque experiences are the norm in the abortion world.

In addition to the devastating psychological impact abortions have they also have an equally devastating physical impact. Dr. Bohumil Stipal, Czechoslovakia's Deputy Minister of Health, stated: "Roughly 25% of the women who interrupt their first pregnancy have remained permanently childless." Sterility is not the only physical consequence of abortion. Cervical damage, bleeding, chronic abdominal pain, ripping or perforation of the uterus, convulsions, and endotoxic shock are just a few of the many physical consequences one can experience as a result of having an abortion. With respect to my particular experience, I recall that the mother mentioned her daughter's pregnancy and that she wanted her to have an abortion. We were at a fitness studio at the time which I suppose in retrospect was quite ironic. A woman who appeared to care so much about her health that she would come to a fitness studio did not seem to have the least bit of concern for her own daughter's health. When she made the remark about wanting her daughter to have an abortion another woman that we both knew heard that comment as it was in ear shot. She remarked and said the following "I agree, in fact I would even take that one step further. If I could have my way it would become mandatory for all teenagers who get pregnant to have abortions. They can't take care of kids and so the burden will fall on the rest of us." The mother agreed.

I hope that all who are reading this can see the pathetic nature of such people's sentiments. I have always maintained that people are the most precious and valuable things we have in this world. We cannot place a value on human life. Each and every life is so precious. All the money in the world could never make another identical person. Once we lose someone they are gone forever. Upon being presented with these facts most would feel compelled to value and treasure human life to the best of their abilities however, this is not the case. We discard human life like it is garbage. What a warped world we live in when we are willing to throw away something so precious that can never be bought, replace of replenished for no better reason then "it would be a burden to the rest of us."

In conclusion, I do not believe this mother in the case I mentioned actually did have her daughter's best intentions in mind. If she did she most certainly would not have been pressuring her into having an abortion when a)there are so many potential negative effects that abortion can have and b)when both the daughter and her boyfriend wanted to keep the child. As I have said before true love seeks to give, not to take. If the mother had her daughter and grandchild's best interests at heart she would have sought to do everything in her power to help her daughter and grandchild live the best lives they could live but she did not. Her selfishness consumed her heart to the point that she was willing to do anything to get rid of the "burden"-anything at all even if that meant harming her grandchild and potentially bestowing a life time of pain and suffering upon her daughter.

While I appreciate you sentiments Priya with respect to some people thinking that abortion I do have a few things to say. First of all, I question if these people really believe that it is the best thing. Do they really hold that opinion true to their heart or have they fooled themselves into believing that they do? Remember, we are masters of self-deception. Furthermore, for the population that genuinely believes that abortion is the best thing for a girl to do they obviously have not examined the facts properly. As mentioned earlier adoption services are available in North America and so a woman is not doomed if she cannot raise a child. There are many people who would love nothing more than to adopt a child. Why subject oneself to a lifetime of potential suffering when there is another discourse? People who decide that abortion is a great idea have not examined the facts properly and therefore I would argue that such people are ignorant and sadly, ignorance is not bliss!

Well Rachel, that is the saddest and most horrifying story. Abortion is taken far too lightly these days.
In my friends case she was a single person, she did not have the abortion and her mother came round but was still somewhat sad about the diminishing opportunities that having a child meant which in a way could also be seen as selfish but not in her mind...

There is one aspect of this issue which I find intriguingly absent from the discussion. Much has been said about how much money college students can save by simply waiting until marriage for sex, which is what I chose to do. However, it is then assumed that after marriage, the woman will be fine with possibly becoming pregnant at any point in time. I am still a student, still married, and still paying $50/month for contraceptives; please don't forget that getting married does not mean that a woman is instantly agreeable to having a child.

It just occurred to me, reading this over, that my girlfriend pays for her birth control pills entirely. I don't chip in. She never asked, and I never gave it much thought. We live together and share many finances liberally, so it isn't much of a financial issue to begin with - I'd probably pick up the slack buying something else - but it is very funny how buying the pills has implicitly been her role, in both of our minds.

I'll offer to split the cost, if only for the sake of principle.