A TELUS mobile poster recently caught my eye. It was a simple subway ad asking the question, "How do you break up?" Here were my options, according to Telus: "Text, email, call, messenger?" Then at the bottom, without any trace of irony: "Telus. The future is friendly."
Apparently, not friendly enough. Call me old-fashioned, but what happened to breaking up in person? I mean, it's great that Facebook gives me an update whenever "So-and-so is no longer in a relationship with so-and-so," but this always makes me worry that this is the same way so-and-so found out she'd been dumped in the first place.
Lately, I've gotten a slew of Facebook messages connected to breakups-by-text, and so I'm wondering: How do people handle this, emotionally? When someone "unfriends" you on Facebook, there is no real way to retaliate; there's no option to "Mark As, I Didn't Want to be His Friend Anyway'" or "Mark As Enemy." And that's annoying enough, but take a relationship with intimate feelings and potentially intimate body parts involved, and I would imagine that the feelings of rejection are multiplied a thousandfold if someone merely texts you "buh-bye!"
What do you think? Is this really appropriate and I'm missing something? I can see how someone might delude himself into thinking that he's tech-savvy because he's breaking up via a text message. But maybe he--or she-- is just emotionally repressed.
p.s. You can see a spoofed version of the Telus ad here.
Idon't think a person who breaks up by text is repressed, just cowardly. It's a way to avoid the discomfort of hurting someone in person or having to deal with the emotional fall out in person. Technology has supplied us with all sorts of ways to avoid uncomfortable social interactions and to be lazy. Thus no more written thank you cards...and an introvert such as myself can e-mail when trying to arrange things for work or volunteer activities and not have to go through the turmoil of calling near strangers on the phone.
Posted by: Reader | July 19, 2008 at 08:22 AM
I love text messaging. I just sent a text message to many of my friends (regarding an annoucement for our org), but I believe that there are some conversations or things that really should be carried out in person. Personally, I only use text messages for emergencies, long-distance communication, or for group messaging. I value more being able to talk to people in person.
I got upset at a male friend of mine who had the *nerve* to court a schoolfriend of mine and ask her to be his girlfriend...all through text! And worse, she accepted. That got a lot of us girls thinking, "Is there something wrong here or not?" Why couldn't they say it in person?
I think breaking up (or even hooking up) with someone via text is one of the worst signs of complete disregard for the other's feelings. It's as if you did not care enough to even be physically present at the moment.
Posted by: Kat | July 19, 2008 at 09:45 AM
You might have a point if some people actually used these methods of communication to begin with. My experience has been (regarding dating prospects) if someone doesn't have any feelings for me they simply ignore me and expect me to get the hint. With all the technology we have would it kill women to text a simple message saying, "sorry, just not interested"?
It seems the more options we have to communicate with someone, the less we communicate overall. The future has gotten cold and ugly. =P
Posted by: Lincoln | July 19, 2008 at 04:52 PM
"My experience has been (regarding dating prospects) if someone doesn't have any feelings for me they simply ignore me and expect me to get the hint."
I've noticed this as well. When did passive-aggressive ever become a legitimate social behavior? I find such behavior repellant and cowardly and it's pretty much the fastest way to piss me off.
My friend's and my own experience is that women will even do this in a sexual relationship -- when she doesn't want to continue it she just ignores you until you go away.
Modern women sure do know the best ways to spread misogyny! *thumbs up*
Posted by: Luthor Rex | July 20, 2008 at 02:24 PM
Women ignore men because often if you reject them verbally they will get into an argument with you and it can be very unpleasant and stalker-ish. If you are getting the brush off, ask yourself whether you are belligerent and if you accept a "no," graciously. If you don't, that may be the reason you're getting ignored.
Posted by: Angie | July 20, 2008 at 03:22 PM
Interesting. As a Generation Xer, the present generation (Gosh time does fly)seems to have developed an inability to communicate effectively, by any means. Technology makes it easy to hide and email speak makes it easy to respond with one word answers. Technology, the present spat, was designed with making business communication more efficient, but why have we allowed it to muddle so much personal communication? We've allowed it to coddle us under the pretense of some fashionable freedom that never was. Great blog! Great movement. I'm tired of "Girls Gone Wild." What about "Girls gone Smart?"
Posted by: genxerator | July 21, 2008 at 10:57 AM
If I was to judge the action of dumping someone via text message I would assume the relationship to be a very superficial one ( at least on one side - if works like that?). There is a trend for the younger generation or the "time-poor" to conduct much of their personal relationships via text or IM so for them it would make sense to end them this way as well. So the warning/motto (depending on your viewpoint) could be "live by the text? -- die by the text".
Posted by: Priya | July 21, 2008 at 03:49 PM
That "altered" version of the Telus billboard was great!
Some ad campaigns are so dumb they DEMAND to be filked.
Posted by: Headless Unicorn Guy | July 22, 2008 at 01:50 PM
*sigh*
I'm really not too impressed with society as a whole, right now. Sometimes, the "less is more" approach is better; in this case, with communications technology.
But why are we starting and ending relationships so facelessly? Because we can. Society is killing its ability to feel shame in general, unless it's the kind of manipulative shame that media and industry use that we're so complacent about.
Become sentient. Demand change. Accept the responsiblity to teach values. Value values. Tell the economy to f*** itself. The economy is ever mutable, and will accomodate US as OUR desires change. For society to function, so must the economy. The symbiotic relationship between business and media will be reshaped by people's emerging understandings of newly instilled values.
So we allow younger adults to understand what a relationship is, and that when they are young most of their "relationships" are deluded at best. The "real" relationships will occur, and better communication between sexes will result. Young men and women will learn to hold themselves accountable for their actions, since they've relearned what proper shame is. You can not have nobility without shame, as you need to learn from your shame to strive towards nobility. Nobility is sought after values are taught.
Unconscious complacency is your villain here. Accept the possibility that you can be more conscious, and do not make excuses for yourself not to try and change things (for the better).
* * *
Yes, I know that was rather abstract, but particular issues don't matter so much as the human nature they resulted from. It's more effective to deal with things at the root.
Posted by: Rofigo de la Mancha | July 24, 2008 at 12:24 AM
"Women ignore men because often if you reject them verbally they will get into an argument with you and it can be very unpleasant"
Working through uncomfortable situations is what adults do.
"If you are getting the brush off, ask yourself whether you are belligerent and if you accept a "no," graciously. If you don't, that may be the reason you're getting ignored."
Well then I suggest you stop dating men that hit you. Most men don't get violent when dumped. If all you are talking about is a verbal argument, then again I'd have to say that this is one of the things adults learn how to deal with.
So you treat men like trash and then expect us to love you? Get real.
Posted by: luthor | July 28, 2008 at 06:11 PM
If you had ever been in an emotionally abusive relationship with someone who is great at "the Hoover" (sucking someone back into a bad relationship through charm, promises of change...look up "Hoover" on the site bpd.org) you would completly understand why some women AND men (it's not just the ladies) prefer to avoid direct and face to face communication and sometimes even hope you will just lose interest and find someone else to latch onto. When dealing with those who have personality disorders that is the best and safest route to take.
I dated someone who promised the moon (to change and no more accusations of me cheating on him), and if that didn't work broke into tears and even threatened suicide....I was even afraid he would kill me at times. I'm surprised I even got the nerve to date again, and when the next boyfriend decided to make an unfounded accusation I dumped him instantly....by email.
I agree nobody should by that impersonal without cause, but if the other person seems at all unstable don't be anywhere near them at the breakup point because they might snap. If someone does this to you, don't take it overly personally...they may have had a bad experience or they may just be rude...move on.
I was supposed to meet a guy again after a blind date...his suggestion but he keeps delaying so I think he's blowing me off without having to blow me off. It's a little annoying that he didn't just say "I had a nice time" and leave it at that...he's probably hoping I'll move on by myself. Plus I was dating a guy for months who just couldn't tell me he didn't really want to be in a relationship with me (that he initiated) and I could sense it and was going round the twist until I just dumped him. It's true...sometimes "too nice" can end up being rude but it's not a gender specific thing like some men here are trying to make out to excuse their misogyny.
Posted by: Karen | April 27, 2009 at 02:37 PM
I believe that much depends on the personal beliefs/morals of the people and how long/what type of relationship they had.
I can see how in our current culture, it would be very insulting to get a dump text from some guy/girl that someone was sleeping with.
The solution is not to fool around with physical intimacy until you are married. At all. Emotions run much less high then, even with a volatile person.
In my experience, there were a few men that were pretty nasty when I indicated that I didn't want the relationship to go any further. PP may not understand that some men hide that fact that they are bullies. He might be a good guy that just doesn't understand how ugly other men can be and when smart girls catch even a small glimpse of that, we RUN.
Because who want to be embarrassed by, bullied by, and stuck with a guy like that? Less smart women get fooled into thinking that that type will protect them (he will not). He deserves to get broken off via text or just ignored. That guy deserves no respect at all and we are not obligated to give him any.
Despite feminism's lies, most women get - on some level - that might equals right. It's just reality.
Posted by: Married Gen-exer | June 27, 2009 at 03:20 AM
I have to agree with you, its crazy that life has become so impersonal now, that we are afraid to do anything face-to-face.
It's all through text msg's, email or even msg's on the phone, what happened to sitting down with someone, telling them why you are saying what you are and NOT trying to hurt them?
Have we really become so lazy?
Blessings
Alesia
Posted by: Alesia | July 21, 2009 at 06:57 PM